Monday, March 4, 2013

I just want you to "like" me: a deactivated account

        I haven't used my facebook account in a week (well, technically 6 days), but who's counting? Welp. I was.
         I haven't used this blog in more than 2 and a half years and didn't miss it at all in relation to my fb account. Which is admittedly, kinda sad. Or is it? I didn't miss it in the way that I thought or imagined. And really I feel like I could have stayed off for some indeterminate amount of time, but that I was ready to come back.
        I decided to deactivate on Tuesday morning after I started to feel too connected. The social networking site was suffocating me. I felt claustrophobic. I was posting too much. People were reading it too much and reading into it too much. Too many messages and comments about my musical choices on spotify. And I just needed to get some space from my own internet presence. Which is funny, because besides this dusty ol' blog and my fb account I don't really have one.
         When you google my name or image search me, nothing comes up... for pages, or at all. I have a twitter, but only so I can follow friends. I have never tweeted. I didn't even know what imgur was or how to pronounce it until a week ago when I asked a friend about his post. The rapid ascent of instagramming as networking is a little bewildering to me and I just can't keep up. So I am pretty happy to maintain with my fb account and the occasional blog post here or at my professional blog (which will go unmentioned here because I don't want that connection to be made outside of fb friends). I am painfully aware of the power (both positive and negative) of the internet and how a post can leave a lasting impression. Because of what I do, I tend to err on the side of caution, even going so far as to change my pen name on my writing when it is occasionally posted on other sites so that my professional life and personal choices do not intermingle.
            But there is a feeling of safety associated with facebook. You have a sense of control. They even have "security settings" meant to make you feel like what you say can't be used against you if that should ever happen. I never friend anyone I haven't met in person and keep a tight lid on who gets to see what posts and pictures. A friend once chastised me for sort of cursing on the site because I should be setting an example. My response. Not here I don't. I am protected. But he was probably right, everyone can see what I am posting if they want to badly enough. I guess I just don't think anyone wants to badly enough. And that is okay. I half post for friends and half post for me, fb is a journal of sorts, especially since timeline. Amiright?
          You definitely know you are off the facebook
First was the realization that facebook OWNS us. I'm not just talking images and words and thoughts. I deactivated and 99 percent of my phone contacts went unknown. I had to cull through all my text messages to figure out what number belonged to who. Even people who I know I put in manually were sent to unknown status. Who are you facebook and why do I let you control my phone? Then I was denied spotify, which is a real hardship for those who know me. I constantly listen to my playlists and friends' playlists, use it to keep my aging finger on the pulse and I couldn't use it or see my friends without reactivating my account. I did eventually start a non-linked account, however it was a lonely world without my friends' choices feeding on the side.
          Besides these annoyances though, I felt sort of free, which I think says more about me and my choices than the site itself. If people really care about what I am doing, they have my number and can text me. Otherwise, I dunno I'm just using it because I am bored. Which is okay I guess. And while part of my departure was not just because I wanted people to stop seeing me, but because I wanted to stop seeing some people, I missed the banter. Facebook feels like a family of friendship at times. A baby picture goes up or a cute video, someone links their blog or makes an interesting observation and I get to participate in a multi-way conversation (actively or passively) with those I have chosen to keep in my larger circle. And I like this idea. This was what I missed. And so I'm back, ready to be friends with Facebook (and all of you) again. I'm sure ya didn't even miss me and that is fine with me. I didn't miss you either....well maybe a little. You're just so darn interesting.

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