can you see me now?

so after yesterday's post i was informed by my co-workers that this blog does not need to be a detailed, yet humorous look at what i did the day before. thanks guys, did you not get the part where i said i was hungover. jerks. anyway i think their motive was part-selfish anyway as what they really wanted me to discuss was the campaign and whether we were going to melee while exploring the new dungeon we had built. this d & d thing is getting weirder and although i find grace and gene's exchanges with one another hilarious there seems to be little fun yet. but i will reserve judgement. anyway i have a sneaking suspicion they wouldn't be too upset if this bloggy turned out to be an homage to d & d. tough cookies my friends, as i would like to have a date before the end of this decade.

anyway i was already onto the idea that i would probably focus on a topic or two of discussion as these blogs went on. sometimes it would be about the boring details of my life (couch) and other times the meandering yet brilliant thoughts i had to offer you my seven (!!!) readers. this is a tough business. ha! well before the co-worker blogvention i was prepared to take on a topic that i have been thinking a lot about in the last few weeks, but also have felt, in general, for a larger portion of my life. invisible.

i am not talking like 'hollow man' invisible, you know that movie with kevin bacon where he can disappear to kill people or something and then reappear as if it wasn't him. i mean it in the sense that sometimes, when i walk into a room, i feel like nobody sees me. for the better part of my life i felt this and was okay with it, but now i want it, i want to be noticed and stared at and well...i dunno, hit on perhaps?

maybe it is this turning 30 thing, i know i am beating a dead horse, but seriously for the majority of my life i saw myself as a wallflower. i would walk into a room and try to blend, with the wall, with the wood paneling, the other people around me. i would smile and shrink behind a more talkative outgoing friend. in high school my two best friends were noticeable. one was tall and slim and beautiful, smart and always well turned out. the other was petite and bubbly, always a bundle of imagination and love for people. i felt like the ragged third wheel, the girl that guys refer to when they say girls travel in packs of three: the pretty one, the smart one and the fat one...or something to that effect which i read recently and which, by the way, almost made me vomit. is this true? or was/am i just living up to the expectation of me?

for those who know me from social scenes or even know me slightly better than that may find these revelations a surprise. they are feelings i mostly reserve for myself or my closest confidantes. not everyone needs to know that most of the time growing up i felt not so awesome. but also, most of those who know me don't realize that i consider myself shy. that when i meet someone, a total stranger, for the first time it is super awkward and weird because i am making it that way. i find it difficult to open up and either go for the clam shell approach or the overly animated i have had 12-cups of coffee before meeting you approach. neither feels particularly comfortable or honest. consequently, i don't feel that i have truly given the best impression of myself.

jess always talk about bringing your representative to a new situation. when dating for example, you bring your representative on the dates until, say the third month, give or take. my representative, Jess likes to tell me, is dumb. i believe she has also, at times, called her stupid, shy, retarded, idiotic and cringe-worthy. harsh words? yes, but also true. i know that i make a terrible first impression. that is why up until a year ago i only dated or considered dating friends. these are people who knew who i was, truly and without artifice. i didn't have to worry that he would wake up one day and be like what happened to the girl who liked to make the coffee in the morning? whoops i didn't tell you that that was my representative who liked that little chore. tough tooties, now, i like mine with two sugars and a splash of milk. thanks!

i had to ween myself off the dating friends thing. it wasn't working out and i definitely made some serious errors in judgement along the way. it had worked out for me so well with niall i just assumed that it would always be that good. the boy might always be that receptive, and therefore my shy wallflower of a representative would not have to be taken and trotted out in front of strangers ever again.

i have a comfort zone and i like to stay within its confines. since last january i have been pushing myself to go beyond those borders. i have broken down barriers and disassembled many a fence to get to the point where i can talk to strangers in social settings and not constantly doubt what i am saying as i am saying it. if you too suffer from this than it won't sound so crazy, but for those of you who are good in social settings be grateful. i also, no longer suffer from the doh! syndrome, where while revisiting a situation or event in my head, i find what i said or did so cringe-worthy that i literally say doh! aghh blerg out loud. this is usually accompanied by a head shake or slap and 'i can't believe i did that' again, stated out loud. these are the moments i wish i could alter. i have always lived my life on a no regrets policy and generally it works for me, but sometimes i wish i could just tweak it so the reality isn't as bracing as the alternative truth.

but i digressed. surprise surprise. so now that my representative is a bit better at, well, representing the very real me (who is awesome if you don't already know!) and those bulldozers have knocked down any visible gates, i am moving into a phase of life where i want to be seen. and i want to talk to people. it seems only natural, this progression. i want to turn heads when i walk into a room and get picked up at bars. i mean i guess i should amend this wishlist, because i am not talking just anyone. i get the old men and the odd guy here or there, but i mean a serious interest. i have seen it happen to others, why not me?

amanda and samantha and i were having this ongoing facebook message conversation about something similar recently and we were wondering if body type plays a role. i tried to play devil's advocate and say that it doesn't when the guy is awesome and realizes how awesome you are. i know this was my reality for years, but could that be the exception and not the rule?

we are told when we are younger that when we grow up things like hair color and dress size will be less and less important to peers and partners who will ostensibly be older and wiser and therefore less judgemental about the extra junk in your trunk. i would like to believe this is true. i would like to believe we have evolved enough from the playground antics of our youth to be more open and accepting of different people, but i am constantly being shown that this is not the case. i look at television shows and movie stars and hear about asshole shock jocks who think incredibly talented actresses won't be able to get parts because she isn't the typical hollywood type. maybe she is so good hollywood will alter to fit her and not the other way around. and perhaps if we can leave our childhood selves, all awkward and self-loathing on the playground, pull out our new and improved representatives and saunter into a bar like we would rather be in the middle of the room than blending in with the wallpaper print, we will in turn feel less invisible. it is a scenario that i am working on and i will let you know the results. although my gut tells me i may just be one of these girls who gets you at first sound bite, not at first sight.